Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?

Young girls grow up dreaming of wedding days and the births of children, but for many women in this particular generation, those days may never materialize.  Ask ten people why they think that is and you will have ten different answers.  Carolyn McCulley's Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? will not offer any answers either.  What she does offer is a healthy heaping of biblical encouragement for women who desire to live to the glory of God while waiting for Mr. Right.

For the Christian married woman with children, the calling and tasks are obvious.  She finds satisfaction and joy in fulfilling her roles as wife and mother as described in the Bible.  But what about the single woman?   Is a never-married woman less feminine than her married, procreating counterparts?  McCulley explains that femininity is God-given, not activity driven.  "Our femininity is not dependent on marriage or motherhood to be fully expressed.  We are feminine from the moment we are conceived because that is God's design, and He has a purpose for our femininity throughout the various seasons of our lives" (p.51).   This is one reason this book is a good read for any woman, never-married, married, divorced or widowed.  McCulley addresses biblical, fruitful femininity, with a specific emphasis on the never-married woman.  She addresses three important areas of a single woman's life:  her relationship with God, her relationships with men, and her life in general.

Part one of McCulley's book, "Surveying Singleness," gives a biblical perspective of singleness: what it is, what it is not, and how to trust God in the midst of extended single womanhood.  She begins with a somewhat humorous telling of attending her twenty-year high school reunion, and the questions she knew she would inevitably field regarding her singleness.  She realized there is a more pertinent question she had to ask herself.  She says, "So the infamous question about why we're not married is the wrong question to ask.  It implies lack…The better question to ask ourselves is: What is God doing with and through my singleness?" (p. 21).  To come to a satisfactory answer, she had to ask herself more questions.

One such question is, "Why this gift?"  Using 1 Corinthians 12 and a commentary by Gordon Fee, McCulley explains that singles must accept singleness as a gift from God the same way they accept His other gifts.  "Even though this gift of singleness is not a charisma defined by an activity or an obvious role as other gifts are, it's still meant for the common good-the implication being the good of the local church" (p. 31).  Singleness, according to McCulley, is a gift of God's grace, given according to His will, for the common good of the church.  

In these opening chapters of the book, McCulley shares her own struggle with accepting the gift of singleness, and how she does battle when it comes to trusting God and His purposes for her.  McCulley uses Ruth to illustrate trusting and savoring God's sovereignty over all of life.  We did not come into this world married, we may never marry, and, if we are married, we will not always be married.  Jesus himself had to explain to his questioners that no one in Heaven would be married.  The most important aspect of life to cultivate is the relationship with God, trusting Him in all things.  McCulley explains how she came to savor God's sovereignty over her singleness.  She also offers helpful suggestions for how to repent of unbelief and the idea that God is "holding out" on her.  She exhorts single women to rest in God and His will rather than succumbing to "unexpectant apathy."

The second portion of the book is dedicated to guiding the godly single woman in her relationships.  Though generally reserved as a guide for married women with children, McCulley uses Proverbs 31 as a guide for the single woman who wants to become a wife of noble character.  In fact, says McCulley, Proverbs 31 "is attributed to the mother of King Lemuel, who…wanted [her son] to know by heart what to look for in a single woman to ensure that he would find someone who would make an excellent wife" (p. 50).  While Proverbs 31 describes the role of wife, a woman who desires to be valued and treasured above rubies must not wait until marriage to begin cultivating the qualities of this virtuous woman.  

Chapters 5 and 6, entitled "Do Him Good All the Days of Your Life" and "Respected at the City Gate" respectively, are rich with wisdom regarding how women must guard their hearts before marriage.   McCulley warns a single woman against placing herself on display for interested men to peruse.  "We have to evaluate our actions and plans in the context of what will ensure good, not harm, for our future husbands" (p. 70-71).  She employs the perfect analogy for this, and not wanting to spoil the enjoyment of the book for the future reader, I will say no more.  McCulley details the challenge of maintaining healthy, God-honoring relationships with men.  She also shares her opinion of appropriate behavior when it comes to relationships with men and how to do them good without sending misleading signals.  One of my favorite parts of the book, it is rich and practical wisdom for any woman, and I wish I had understood much of it prior to marriage.  I will save it for my daughters.

The final section and bulk of the book deals with the day-to-day of living single.  She deals with extending hospitality, careers, pouring into the next generation, beauty, speech, service, and finishing well even if God never gives the gift of marriage.  McCulley shares personal struggles and experiences from her own life and those of women close to her.  She definitely swims against the culture with her opinions regarding career decisions, money, and time.  

One of the many aspects I found interesting in McCulley's book is her use of scripture.  She does a wonderful job of explaining some of her favorite scriptures from the perspective of a single woman, yet without twisting the Word to make it say what she wants it to say.  She presents a scripture and then seeks to "refract that through the prism of single adulthood" to show specific ways in which that scripture can bring comfort and encouragement to the single woman.  For example, she uses Romans 5:3-6 in a way that surprised me for I have never read it from the perspective of a single woman.  

My only questions regarding McCulley's thesis is that she places singleness on a par with marriage.  I personally regard marriage and raising a family to be superior to being single.  Even though Paul himself preferred being single for the purposes God had for him, his other writings paint marriage as a picture of Christ's death for His church, which I think, elevates marriage.  I surmise that her intention is to write to the single woman who is waiting for God to call her to marriage, and what to do in the meantime.  I do not believe she advocates lifelong singleness.  What would be the point of writing a book for single women based upon the wife of noble character of Proverbs 31?  Why write with advice for courting and guarding one's heart for the husband, if she never hopes to marry?  It is not logical.  

Being a married woman with four children, I surprised myself highlighting as much as I did.  I learned a little something about what to teach my sons to look for in a virtuous wife and what to teach my daughters as I prepare them for courting and marriage.  At the end of each chapter, McCulley includes a helpful list of books and articles for further study, which I plan to utilize.  If you are a single woman, no matter your age or stage of life, and would like to read more about trusting God and glorifying Him during your time of singleness, then I highly recommend Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?.